What to Do When Positivity Turns Toxic

“What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”

– Carl Jung

We all know that optimism has benefits. In fact, many people find that looking for daily moments of awe or focusing on what they feel grateful for enhances their overall mood. But sometimes a sunny outlook can go too far.

When we lean so heavily on positivity that we exclude (what should be) alarming aspects of our current reality, we’re living in denial. Any choice we make from that space will be unsustainable and might even be destructive, which is where the “toxic” part comes in.

I’m not talking about finding an honest silver lining in a challenging situation. Having a positive mindset can actually help us be more resilient. Positivity turns toxic when it dismisses or invalidates facts, emotions or experiences simply because they’re “negative.”

Positivity turns toxic when it dismisses or invalidates facts, emotions or experiences simply because they’re “negative.” Click To Tweet

Has Your Positive Mindset Turned Toxic?

Toxic positivity is a mindset that focuses only on positive emotions and experiences while ignoring or denying negative ones. This can be harmful because it leads to repressed emotions and prevents us from dealing with our real problems. In short, it becomes a form of denial.

This state of denial is a psychological defense mechanism that causes us to reject or ignore facts that are uncomfortable, threatening or contradict our beliefs or self-image. Denial can take many forms. Here are some examples of toxic denial:

1. Minimizing the problem.

When we’re in denial, we may fall into the trap of downplaying the severity of an issue. This enables us to make excuses or rationalizations to avoid dealing with it. For example, if you continue to make light of your overwhelming credit card debt instead of admitting you’re not able to make ends meet, then you aren’t positioned to get help or otherwise move forward constructively.

2. Ignoring the problem altogether.

This prevents us from addressing very real, destructive issues and finding a workable solution, like denying that a relationship is beyond repair, despite very clear signs that it’s hopelessly dysfunctional.

3. Denying we need help.

Toward the end of my marriage, my body started breaking down. It wasn’t that I didn’t know there were problems or that I wasn’t aware of my extreme state of stress and overwhelm – it was that I had always seen myself as someone who could do anything she put her mind to. I kept telling myself I could somehow work through my physical pain and exhaustion, even though my entire body was screaming I could not. Meanwhile my denial had me cheering myself on, straight toward what could have been irreversible health problems, if I hadn’t found a way to admit the truth.

4. Avoiding reality.

In this form of denial, we create a fantasy world where the problem doesn’t exist or can be solved with magical thinking. This may keep us from taking any concrete steps to resolve the problem. So, rather than evaluating the ramifications of an important decision and waiting to be clear that it’s really something you want to do, are you relying on magical thinking to try to influence an outcome in your favor?

Minimizing or ignoring the problem, denying we need help and avoiding reality all add up to one thing: stress, and lots of it, as our situation deteriorates.

Toxic Positivity in Our Interactions

Toxic positivity can also show up in the way we interact with people when they or their circumstances make us uncomfortable, such as:

1. Telling someone who is going through big challenges to “just think positively” or to “be grateful” for the good things in their lives.
2. Minimizing their feelings by saying things like, “it could be worse” or “you’re overreacting.”
3. Refusing to acknowledge the other person’s pain or trauma.
4. Blaming them for their “negative emotions” and suggesting they aren’t doing enough to “attract positivity.”

Bottom line: toxic positivity in our interactions robs us of authenticity and prevents us from being present with what is painful. Worse, it hobbles our ability to be compassionate and supportive when it’s needed most.

Why the So-Called “Law of Attraction” is Toxic

You’ve likely heard of the Law of Attraction, which states that if you ask for a specific result and believe it will come about, you will then receive that result as a manifestation. While the word “law” sounds scientific, there is no scientific basis for the law of attraction. In fact, the concept is actually based in the 19^th century New Thought spiritual movement related to the Mind Cure movement popular at the time. People in this movement promoted beliefs like: a healthy body is a result of healthy thinking. We now know that factors like genetics, diet and exercise play a large role in health outcomes.

Still, there have been a number of popular self-help books on the theme of positive thinking over the past century, more recently, The Secret. The basic premise of The Secret is that thoughts become reality due to their “vibration,” so if you imagine getting rich or staying thin, etc. then those thoughts will manifest as reality. And if misfortune manifests, then you brought it on yourself with your negative thinking.

Positivity that is founded on denial is not a good luck charm, and it certainly isn’t a prognosticator of a glowing result in the future.

Acceptance: The Antidote to Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity is built on an elaborate fantasy world designed to protect yourself from authentic pain. It is what psychologists call a maladaptive behavior, which means that it’s keeping you stuck rather than helping you adapt to a situation or move forward. The bottom line is: toxic positivity is all about avoiding emotional pain.

Accepting the painful truth will move you toward a solution by providing the clarity needed to help you make constructive decisions. That clarity starts with realizing that pain is a necessary part of life. Without it, you would lack the impetus to adapt and change with the world around you. This is why I don’t think of pain as “bad.” Instead, I see it as an ally. When I can listen to what my pain is telling me, I can begin to make important life adjustments.

Take These Steps to Address Denial

Start by acknowledging the facts of your situation. This isn’t about being positive or negative. It’s about being honest with yourself. It’s not about what you want to believe – it’s about what’s true. It’s only when you can see reality for what it is, all positive and negatives aside, that you can make the constructive choices that lead to lasting change.

1. Once you look at the facts, admit the truth to yourself. Lay it all out there, especially the things you’d rather not think about. Write it down or say it out loud.
2. Next, admit the truth to someone you can trust to be a neutral witness and so give you honest feedback.
3. Make one small change in line with the painful reality of the situation. It could be as simple as balancing your checkbook to see how much money you have in your account.

If you aren’t sure what it is you need to admit to yourself, then take a step back. Consider:

• Are there negative themes recurring in your life, despite your determination to avoid looking at them?
• Do you frequently blame others or adopt a victim mindset? This could be an indicator that you’re in denial about your behavior and need to take a look at the role you play in relationships.
• Is there something a close friend, family member or significant other frequently brings up as an issue?
• Have you been making poor decisions that complicate things? This may be a good indicator of where you’re not showing up in reality.

Closing Thoughts

Having a positive outlook on life is a real asset. A dose of healthy optimism promotes good feelings, which can easily spread to others and brighten their day as well. Just be mindful of positivity becoming your only outlook. Is everything in your life as rosy as you’re making it out to be? Or are you in denial about “negative” things that really need to be addressed?

The solid ground of reality is going to offer the only supportive base for making sustainable decisions about your future. Realistic optimism is your best option for fostering growth and allowing you to be open to necessary change.