“Change is a process, not an event.” –Barbara Johnson
Why does change often feel exhausting and unmanageable for so many of us? In a culture where advertising constantly promises us overnight results, we’ve been indoctrinated to think that if something doesn’t change fast, it’s not going to change at all.
Simple, incremental changes are not very sexy, but if you look back on your life, the changes you made incrementally were far more likely to result in a tangible shift than those high-velocity leaps that lasted for a few days but didn’t stick for the long term.
Here’s why step-by-step change works better than the kind of sweeping “life renovations” we may try to make after a whirlwind weekend retreat.
Think of it like this: Imagine someone dumped a thousand-pound pallet of boxes in your driveway. Even if the boxes were filled with items you’d ordered and wanted – would you try to move the entire pallet inside your house in just one go?
Obviously not. You’d take in one box at a time. Or if one or more of the boxes themselves were too heavy to carry, you’d open each one and take from it only as much as you could reasonably carry.
Now think about how we approach change in our lives. Big or small, the changes that prove to be meaningful often start with asking ourselves: What isn’t working for me in my life?
This is a helpful question, and yet many of us answer it with an entire area of life, like:
My job.
My marriage.
Where I live.
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to restructure an entire area of your life, the truth is, you can’t take on everything at once. Click To Tweet
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to restructure an entire area of your life, the truth is, you can’t take on everything at once. And by trying to, you’ll become overwhelmed and quit before you even start.
So, if your first answer to “What isn’t working?” is an entire area of your life, look more closely at the different “boxes” that comprise that part of your life. It may be that you will change where you live or change your job at some point. But what are the simple changes you can make, right now, that will make your life more peaceful?
For example, maybe your work environment is toxic at times. But let’s say that in addition to the challenges this toxicity presents, you hold yourself to incredibly high standards. When you examine it more closely, you might realize that your job becomes most stressful when your perfectionism dictates how you deal with it. You realize that when you’re bent on doing the impossible, a moderately stressful job situation suddenly becomes untenable.
So, what small change could you make as the first “box” you carry toward making your work environment more peaceful for you? Is it setting priorities so you tackle the most important tasks first? Is it abiding by a set schedule of working hours, after which you go home and attend to the rest of your life? Maybe it’s having better boundaries so you don’t add more to your plate unnecessarily.
Make your first small change, and then take a look at what else in your life either supports you in continuing to move toward your goals, or prevents you from having the energy and space to do so.
Break down your background stress.
Whether it’s an entire area of your life you’ve targeted for change, or you just want to feel more peace and ease on a daily basis, don’t underestimate the role that background stress plays in undermining the quality of your life. While background stress from your immediate environment may not seem significant, it can really grind away at you and add to the stress you feel in general.
If you’ve ever had a leaky faucet, that constant background drip becomes both an ongoing irritation that you try to ignore and a constant reminder that you need to do something about it—so you’re exerting energy on both fronts. Only once the faucet is fixed is it obvious how much that nonstop drip, drip, drip was contributing to physical tension and your overall level of stress.
Ask yourself what contributes to your daily background stress. Identify the nagging little worries that drain you, the niggling problems you obsess over, or the long list of “shoulds” you never seem to implement. Maybe it’s the pile of unopened mail, or the mountain of laundry you never seem to get to. Or even the book you can’t put down, despite the fact that you won’t get enough sleep that night.
Interestingly, the solution to relatively minor background stress is usually a simple change that takes far less energy to implement than the energy spent by not addressing it. Sometimes, all it takes is a simple schedule and a promise to yourself that you will not spend any of your energy thinking about the issue until the day and time you’ve scheduled to take action on it.
Physical tension from background stress will build up as you move through your day, and this tension will cause even more stress as you spend your precious energy reacting to your own reaction. The easiest way to break this cycle is to check in with your posture and breath throughout the day.
All you need to do is focus your attention on your breath and any tension you are holding in your body. I call this the Practice, and it really is that simple. Are you hunching your shoulders or clenching your jaw? If so, make a point to let go of that tension as you breathe out. Ideally, continue focusing on your breath for a full sixty seconds and releasing tension wherever you find it. When you finish, notice how much calmer you feel.
Make simple changes to address your bad habits.
After you’ve taken care of that running background “drip”, turn your attention to your unproductive habits. Again, it’s not about picking up the whole pallet at once. Instead, look for how you can start to break these habits down, one small step at a time.
First, examine your coping mechanisms when you’ve had a hard day. Maybe you binge watch television, or have that extra glass of wine you know you ought to resist. Maybe you skip dinner because you’ve filled up on chips instead. You know a walk would really help reduce your tension and improve your mood, but that “Oh, the hell with it!” voice takes control instead.
Next, pick one habit. Just one! And address it with a healthy alternative. Maybe in the morning on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, you leave your walking shoes where they’ll be in your way as you enter the house when you come home from work.
As you implement these small changes successfully, move the bar higher and take the next small step.
These simple changes raise your level of self-awareness. Over time, this awareness will help you trade your bad habit for a healthy one. Any time you find yourself struggling, instead of giving in and engaging your habit, do the Practice. The Practice gives you the self-awareness you need to see you always have a choice.
The simplest changes often yield the biggest results.
I’ve learned from personal experience that my most long-standing issues are what separate me from the peaceful and fulfilling life I desire. They also bring up the most resistance, so I think of self-improvement like peeling off layers of an onion: just take one layer at a time. The simple changes we make on one level are often necessary for us to successfully make changes on a deeper level.
Every time we make a change, however small, something shifts. So, for example, if you feel you really do need to change jobs, taking the small steps I mentioned earlier in this article may not seem like they’ll help you fulfill that goal.
But here’s the gold in peeling away each layer of stress: each change you make that reduces your reactive habits frees your energy for something else. Perhaps you’ll change your perception about the work you do, or a new way forward will start to present itself.
Even though the small step you take today may not be a direct route to the larger change you want to see, reducing the influence your stress is having on your choices and behavior is a direct route to any change, no matter how big or small.
A more peaceful life is possible for you, right now. Remember, shifts that last happen one small step at a time. Learn to notice and appreciate the simple changes you can make right now that will bring more peace and ease into your life. Then notice another, and another…and keep going!
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