Are You Responsible or Response-Able?

For many of us, responsibility has become a bit of a dirty word. Tangled up with burden and blame, there are many ways to interpret it. Consider the potential meaning behind the simple question: Are you responsible? Is this your fault? Are you in charge? Are you a responsible person?

One question I’ve often asked myself is: What is my responsibility in this situation? No doubt it’s one you’ve asked yourself.

For me, this question would often come up when people close to me were upset. My thinking was that if I was aware of what they were going through, I was also responsible for fixing it for them. Especially if I felt like I was the cause of their distress. But taking on the emotions of others is not only futile, it’s exhausting. So, I started avoiding them instead. I would shut down, deny the gravity of a situation or get defensive.

Replacing my old ideas of responsibility with the idea of being response-able (able to respond authentically), was a real game changer for me. It shifted the focus of my questions away from burden, guilt and blame. I could look instead to the questions that would lead me to form an empowered response.

Part of being a mindful, conscientious person is being aware of our impact on others and then owning that impact so we can decide how to respond constructively. Click To Tweet

Being response-able means owning your reaction to upsetting things. Part of being a mindful, conscientious person is being aware of our impact on others and then owning that impact so we can decide how to respond constructively. For example, when we say or do something thoughtless, amends may be in order, as the following story demonstrates.

What a Neighbor Taught Me About Owning My Impact

I was 5 years into an extensive renovation on my home and garden. This meant 5 years of construction. Heavy equipment. Workmen. NOISE. Disruption. Deliveries of rock, concrete, decking and plants. Lots and lots of plants. And dirt… lots and lots of dirt…

I’ll admit, I was pretty wrapped up in the details. To the degree that I didn’t fully consider the impact this was having on my neighbors until one of them brought it to my attention.

It was late in the afternoon, and I was working at my desk when my cell phone started ringing. At the same time someone started banging on my door and leaning hard on the bell.

It was my foreman on the phone, and he was frantic. He was stammering to explain how the crew had been cleaning up from the day’s work, and as they were blowing debris from my property toward the street, my neighbor had come running out of her house, screaming for them to stop. She was absolutely livid about the dust blowing into her yard.

The foreman was calling to tell me that my neighbor was heading straight for my front door. And she was upset!

When I opened the door, I saw immediately that “upset” was an understatement. She was visibly shaking and literally running in circles, yelling that it was all too much. It had gone on for too long, and she couldn’t take it anymore! Her family was coming to stay with her, and she had just had the windows cleaned. Now her windows were covered in dust. And there was no time to fix it because she’d never be able to get another window washer this late on a Friday. Everything was covered in dust! It was a disaster!

So What Did I Do?

Well, my first impulse was to argue the accuracy of her accusations, as my mind raced to protect myself from this “attack.”

Fortunately, there was so much shouting between her and the foreman attempting to defend me that I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. This gave me time to recognize my own emotional state and recall my priorities: don’t make things up, ground myself in the here and now and remember that I can choose to respond instead of acting out my reaction.

I shifted my focus away from defense and toward balance. The only productive thing to be done in that moment was to calm myself and stay aimed at inner peace. A tall order under the circumstances!

There was just no denying that my neighbor’s meltdown resulted from the impact of my lengthy construction project. The dust from the blowers that day was simply the last straw.

It was really painful to watch how upset she was, and really painful to hear her blaming me. And really, really painful not to be able to control any of it, short of rewriting five years of history. The truth was this day had been coming for a long time.

Finally, my neighbor finished her tirade and stormed back down my driveway in tears. Because I’d kept my cool, I already knew how to respond constructively. I decided then and there to make some calls to see if I could find someone to wash her windows. It was late on a Friday afternoon on a holiday weekend, but luck was on my side.

I went across the street to let her know that a crew would be at her home within the hour. I asked her if she’d like me take her cars to be washed, but rather sheepishly, she told me no, they weren’t as bad as she thought.

Then I gathered some flowers from my garden and dropped them on her doorstop with a note, sincerely apologizing for the years of noise, dust and inconvenience. I owned my impact and communicated it, and this made all the difference.

How to Own Your Impact

At the most basic level, owning your impact means paying close attention to the effect your words and actions are having on others. In conversation, this means:

• Practice engaged listening. What’s going on with the other person? What are they sharing? What does their body language communicate?
• Look past their emotional reaction (especially if it is aimed at you). Discern the actual facts of the situation, as well as how your impact may have contributed.
• Notice your impact. For example, if the other person appears confused or overwhelmed, stop. Don’t bulldoze forward or shove more information at them.

I’d like to point out that owning your impact doesn’t mean you should avoid upsetting people. For example, in close relationships, like a marriage, there are going to be times when something touchy needs to be addressed. It’s important to go into a conversation knowing this. That way, you can remain response-able and not become triggered yourself when the other person inevitably reacts.

Closing Thoughts

In this example with my neighbor’s meltdown, I’ll admit it was a challenge to own my impact, especially because I was unprepared when she showed up at my door. But it happens. Things can fall off your radar and then come back to give you a wake-up call. For my part, I honestly did not realize the crew was blowing debris into my neighbor’s yard when they were cleaning up. I instructed them never to blow into her yard in the future.

By being response-able, I was able to move past what had happened with my neighbor pretty quickly, knowing that I had made an authentic choice to apologize in a way that demonstrated compassion and respect for both of us. When I saw her and her husband the next day out walking their dog, we had a very friendly conversation without any strain or lingering resentments.

I didn’t feel sorry for my neighbor, or ashamed of myself. I heard her blaming me, but I could see she was simply reacting to the impact my ongoing project had had on her. While I wasn’t responsible for her behavior or how she felt, I could recognize my impact was the trigger for her reaction. And I saw that I could be response-able rather than defensive.